I Didn’t Feel Anything For My Newborn Baby

I wanted to write about my personal experience after having my first child Eadie as I feel like it’s a subject some mothers may be ashamed to speak about.
At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. But over time I have understood my emotions at that moment, and am okay with talking about it.
Being pregnant with No.2 has got me thinking a lot lately about the birth I am going to experience this time around-will it be as long as Eadie’s birth? (36 hours)
Will I go into labour naturally?
Will I go over my due date?
But mostly, will I feel an instant connection with this child, that I lacked with Eadie?birth7Everyone tells you giving birth to your first child is the most magical experience of your lifetime! Nothing can ever top it.
I used to watch videos of births, see birthing images and cry with joy and happiness and could not wait to experience that moment for myself.
I had a long labour with Eadie, it started at 3am on the Thursday morning and she was born 4.40pm on the Friday afternoon-all that time without sleep, and using every ounce of energy I had.
I had gas and pethidine as pain relief-I also had an episiotomy-so I was numb ‘down there’. I didn’t get the feeling of my baby ‘coming out’ that women talk about-it was just after one of what felt like hundreds of contractions and pushes that my child was put on my lap.
birth4There she was!
I remember looking up at Daniel and I’ll never forget the look on his face, eyes filled with tears of joy-but I was also thinking ‘Why am I not crying? Why do I feel nothing? My first born child that I have been so eager to meet has just arrived and I am numb with emotions’
I thought something was wrong with me to begin with, and I did panic a little inside-is this some sort of postpartum depression? Do I not like my baby?
Even as the days went on, I’d look at her and yeah she was cute, but I still had no real emotions towards her.
Daniel was so proudly holding her, family members came to visit and cried, filled with joy and love.
They say a mothers connection happens instantly, but who’s to say that happens for everyone!?
I was just thrown a baby onto my lap-I was lacking sleep, energy, and was most definitely wasn’t myself.
I took days to recover from that birth, physically and emotionally.
I wouldn’t say I had a real terrible birth, it was just exhausting like I’m sure every other birth is.
But I was high on pain killers, completely dazed and in another world.
I can barely remember the first night with Eadie, or even the next couple days.
I can remember being exhausted, my whole entire body ached, it hurt to sit, and visitors kept coming and going and I just couldn’t be bothered socializing.
Nurses were coming in every couple hours, asking me what times last feeds and nappies were-and I didn’t even know what the time was at the present moment. Not to mention the daily checks of ahhh….my stitches (that’s a whole other traumatic experience within its self)
I don’t actually remember the exact time I ‘connected’ with Eadie-I think it just slowly happened over time as I got to know her, and bond with her.
Now I can look at her at any moment and my eyes fill with tears of joy and love-I could squeeze her so hard her head could pop right off I love her that much!
She is my whole entire world-and I can’t even imagine bringing another child into the world that I could possibly love as much as I do Eadie-but I guess that’s another thing that I will learn to do over time.
I wanted to touch on this subject because I have spoken to others who have also felt the same way and thought there was something wrong with them, or that they were a bad mother. But I am sure there are a lot more out there who have never spoken about this because they are ashamed of how they felt at first.
It is perfectly okay not to feel anything for your child straight away-you have just been through such a traumatic, exhausting experience of child birth-you won’t be or feel yourself after that.
Give yourself some time, to get to know and bond with your baby, to fall in love.
For some of us, it doesn’t happen instantly and there is nothing to be ashamed of if that is you.
Thanks for reading,

Ruby xx

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